I often find myself these days, wondering how my birth mom did it. How did she raise my sister Amanda while pregnant with Annette and I? I have some insight, which my mom was able to provide me with before she passed away. She would say, "Honey, baby girl, you won't understand until your a mom. You just do what you need to do." Now that I'm a mom and we are expecting baby number two, I do find myself doing things that I never thought I would be able to do. I find myself being the better person that my mom always saw in me.
I now know that I am a stronger person than most people think I am. I have the ability to put on a happy face, even when my world around me maybe crashing down. I've got the inner strength from my past that would surprise many people, but my past has made me stronger. I am an emotional woman, and I've been emotional since my daughter, Joan's birth and the rough road of recovery that we (Chris and I) had to go through. A lot of people have heard me say, almost dying gives a person a different look at life. I have a different look on life and what's important because of this. I find that the stupid trivial stuff, isn't as important as the big stuff. This however, doesn't mean that I don't let sometime the stupid trivial things upset me; because unfortunately when it comes to my nieces and nephews things that affect them and their well being often does upset me. But I remind myself that I'm not the parent and the only thing I can do is raise my children to be better human beings and help them to be prepared for the life that is ahead of them.
In preparing my children for the life that is ahead of them, I know that it will not be an easy life especially in the world that we have around us and their views on what being a Christian is truly about. I do my best to use the Bible as my guidebook for raising a God-loving child. Notice I say God-loving, because as much as we should fear God, I believe in all my heart that we should teach our children about His' unconditional love for us. How many of us in life can say we have experienced unconditional love from any individual? I'm thinking that not to many of us can actually say that we do or have. I consider myself lucky because my birth mom, believed in the unconditional love for me as her child. I was lucky yet again to find the unconditional love of my husband Chris, who shows me each and every day, some days more than others that he truly does love me and our family unconditionally. Unconditional love is truly amazing, I find myself many times talking now to our unborn child about how precious he/she is and how loved they are. I did this same thing with Joannie, and I believe my children are my greatest treasures. No amount of money, gold, or jewelry could ever buy the price of my children, I wouldn't give my children to just anyone to care for nor will I leave the responsibility of caring for them should anything happen to Chris or myself to just anyone.
I feel privileged that God has allowed me to even have my children, God knows my children with him in Heaven how much I would of loved to care for them and raise them. But they weren't meant to be here with me on earth, instead they are with my mom, my husband's mother, and my nanas in Heaven with their Heavenly Father. Until I see, kiss, hold, and love them, I know they are safe and with God. While this may not have provided me with the peace that I needed when I lost them, it does now provide me with some peace of mind and comfort. This by no means, doesn't mean that I don't miss them and love them any less than I do my children who are here on earth with me. But for now, I am at peace and happy. I am content and blessed beyond all measures to have a wonderful family that is growing and expanding!
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